Yeah, that’s right. No, you’re not reading the title wrong. I am indeed reviewing New-fucking-Moon; which of course means that I have paid for and subsequently watched New Moon. Allow that to digest and we shall proceed.
Pop culture anti-bias aside, I legitimately wanted to give New Moon a chance. I really did. I remember when the Harry Potter movies first came out, I was that guy. No, not the guy waiting in line, going ape-shit about Dumbledore and Hermione and whoever the fucking else. I was the guy who dismissed the entire franchise based on little more than the generally obnoxious hype and my slight delusion of film snobbery. I can admit that. For awhile, I insulted HP fans, avoided the movies at all cost and pushed judgment on anyone who enjoyed the series; whether books OR films. I am a prick. Fuck if I care most of the time, but when it prevents me from experiencing new and interesting things, then I cross the threshold from prick to arrogant, ignorant asshole. Though I’m willing to accept any of those words as single adjectives to myself, I will not tolerate being the combination. In any case, one day I got tired of riding and went ahead and dismounted my high horse. Turns out Harry Potter is awesome. Real awesome. I enjoyed the movies from the first to the most recent. I actually get excited for new ones now and want to go get a Gryffindor scarf for the next movie. I haven’t read the books but will do so after the movies so as to not completely sour my experience due to cinematic license. The reason I bring up this HP experience is because I felt very much the same way about Twilight. The hype is over-the-top, once again, only this time, there’s the welcome addition of throngs of pre-teen and young adolescent girls to add to the mixture. THRONGS. Terrific.
So the fanbase is incredibly obnoxious but the series revolves around vampires (I like vampire lore). Only the entire marketing campaign (and as it turns out, platform for the films) revolves around teen-pop-drama. So my hesitance is understandable. In the end, the overall culture of Twilight suffocates my curiosity and I end up skipping the first one entirely. Fast forward to Thanksgiving. New Moon has released and the craze has once again risen from its slumber. It is stronger than ever before and hungers from its long hibernation. My best friend’s younger brother is a shameless pop culture fan and wants to go see New Moon Thanksgiving night. He enjoyed the first enough and pushes it. My friend and I are not so convinced, but I, more than him, am willing to give it an honest shot. We head to the movie theater and I am ready to see what all the commotion is about.
New Moon was almost unbearable.
I almost want to leave it at that, but in the interest of the reviewing process; I won’t. Where to begin though. I’ll start with the thing that bothered me most consistently throughout the film. As far as a story arc is concerned nothing fucking happens in this movie. You might have seen this rhetoric elsewhere on the internet, but I’m willing to wholeheartedly support it. The movie is as follows:
Kristen: I am useless. I love you so much Robert.
Robert: No, I love you more. I am immortal and perfect but choose you as my obsession.
Kristen: Holy crap, I am annoying as shit. Constantly. God I love you Robert.
Robert: I am leaving now because we are different.
Kristen: As if I weren’t useless enough, I will now do absolutely nothing. No wait, now I will try to be raped then kill myself, in that order. Take note young girls.
Taylor: I love you, I would never leave you.
Taylor: We too, are different. I’m leaving now.
Kristen: I’m a dumb bitch.
Taylor: I am a werewolf. I love you.
Kristen: Enjoy those blue balls.
Robert: I’m going to kill myself.
Kristen: No! I love you!
Taylor: Fuck all.
Robert: Good to see you Kristen. Thanks for showing up.
Kristen: I love you.
Taylor: Seriously, fuck all.
Robert: Too bad.
Kristen: Too bad. Oh, and I want to be a vampire, always.
Robert: No. Ok, yes.
Kristen: Great.
Robert: Marry me.
The End.
No joke, that’s what the movie was. Throw in some awful wolf animation and the action scenes that you see in the trailer, and you’ve got New Moon; only 100x longer than it took you to read that. I was hoping, going in, that the action sequences in the trailer would play out better in the full-length, featured film. They did not. I was, well, disappointed. The werewolves are actually just large dogs and the vampires sparkle in the sunlight. Ok. Remember how I mentioned that I like vampire lore? This pretty much shit on vampires and werewolves. It was disheartening.
The acting was incredibly contrived but I’m actually willing to accept that, to a degree. The movie was clearly intended to be overly-dramatic so line delivery almost has to be forced and a bit unnatural. Sort of like a soap opera. That being said though, the acting was still not good. Kristen Stewart performs Bella so listlessly, it’s just uncomfortable to watch. One thing I will say is that I think her performance is 50% acting, 50% character requirement. Bella, as a character, is a shell. She is so unbelievably melodramatic and insincere, that anyone who is NOT an adolescent girl should have problems identifying with her in any way. Likewise with Edward Cullen’s character. Robert isn’t the worst actor ever, but Edward is absurd. Take the mopey persona of Louis from “The Vampire Chronicles”, remove the deep-seeded emotional conflict of that character, add teenager angst (he’s over 100 years old, mind you) and you’ve got Edward Cullen. Jacob’s character is actually the most believable and well-fleshed character, in my opinion. His relationship with Bella is something most guys have experienced. We like a girl, we care about her, she likes someone else, he hurts her, she comes a runnin’ for support, she goes back to that other guy despite our being there during the emotional storm. It sucks, but it happens. I can actually relate. Unfortunately, that’s where it ends. His dialogue with Bella is awful and, again, the entire werewolf depiction in this film is out of control. I get that I’m not the target demographic here, but holy shit, there’s a lot of man-candy in this movie. Young, man-candy. That never wears shirts… Weird.
I think now I can move onto a few things I did like about New Moon. For starters, the camera work is actually pretty decent. Some of the shots are fantastic and the cinematography wasn’t a very weak point here. Several times during the movie, I thought that a specific shot was well done, considering the steaming shit stew it was encapsulating. The music in the movie is also pretty damn good. In fact, the soundtrack is actually really good. So much so that I would recommend buying (or downloading) it. My favorite sequence in the movie was undoubtedly the scene featuring the Thom Yorke song, “Hearing Damage.” Oh, and also when Dakota Fanning shows up and mind-fucks people. That was cool. The last thing I liked about the film is far more amorphous. The whole time I was sitting there, frustrated as all hell at the cinematic abortion I just paid for, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something to the Twilight essence that was residing just below the surface. Something better, something good. I don’t know how to describe this accurately, but I can say that it was a persistent impression. The best way to translate that feeling is to say that I felt like there was some really good material here that just wasn’t being appropriately synthesized. I think the entirety of the Twilight Saga wants to be something truly creative and inspiring. It is not; but it planted a few seeds that even I delicately water from time to time. After all, I have to admit that, despite my negative experience with New Moon, Eclipse is something I am going to want to see; for whatever fucking reason.
*Note: One thing I forgot to mention above: the movie is insistent on shoving the “Romeo and Juliet” allegory down your throat. I was simply incredulous at how aggressive the film was with this analogy. It wasn’t even subtle. The feeling you got was that not only is the target demographic gullible and desperate, but stupid as shit as well. It is unusual for a movie to be so unbelievably explicit about a thematic parallel, but sure enough, New Moon shamelessly imposes this on the audience. It is distracting and trite at best, insulting and aggravating at worst.
Overall Score (out of 100): 53
Story/Writing: Poor, poor, poor. There’s just so little actual substance here unless you are really invested in the teenage drama. The overall arc is pointing at some decently interesting developments though (Bella’s immunity….?).
Acting/Cast: This is sorta tough. The acting is horrible but the cast seems appropriate. Kristen’s performance is as drab as her character so it almost seems more accurate. Robert and Taylor are good choices for their roles as well, but also deliver subpar portrayals.
Camera/Cinematography: A relative high point in the film. Some pretty good shots along with well-coordinated sequences add some technical depth to the movie. The CG is downright awful though.
Sound/Music: Spectacular soundtrack. I don’t really have feelings one way or the other on the sound in the movie, which I suppose should tell you something.
Website: http://www.twilightthemovie.com/
“I am leaving now because we are different.” The co-workers are probably wondering what I’m laughing about.
One thing I forgot to mention in the review, which I might add to it: the movie is insistent on shoving the “Romeo and Juliet” allegory down your throat. I was simply incredulous at how aggressive the film was with this analogy. It wasn’t even subtle. The feeling you got was that not only is the target demographic gullible and desperate, but stupid as shit as well. It is unusual for a movie to be so unbelievably explicit about a thematic parallel, but sure enough, New Moon shamelessly imposes this on the audience. It is distracting and trite at best, insulting and aggravating at worst.